a bit of everything in this one. this is the first week i'm having some trouble with the supportive habits + new planner layout combo. it's just - there was a day in brussels, then a recovery day, then it's a full-blown heatwave with no end in sight, pains too are getting in the way. i think it's alright if the tracker is a bit checkered and half-assed almost halfway into the 12 week project. i'm using the unfavorable circumstances for a bit of a guiltless break.
speaking of brussels - one of the highlights was visiting passa porta, which i left with two books. i'll need to update the wishlist/inventory post. they definitely were not on the wishlist, but they definitely were part of the "making memories" type of purchase vs. just grabbing something online for Emotional Reasons.
but speaking of emotional reasons... and tying in to the first paragraph: i'm this close to ordering my birthday tarot decks. i have ordered some other birthday things (from the list!) which will get here next month because they're coming to me via mom's package. and now that i Did An Online Purchase While Feeling Bad i'm like... "but that didn't bring me /any/ Relief (because of the very far in the future payoff)" and am on the verge of clicking whatever else. and it just so happens that i've been considering these decks the last few days.
i'm yet again engaged in a tug of war. on one hand - new, beautiful, exciting. on the other - there are definite downsides to both the decks, downsides i already know about. then again nothing is perfect, and i don't want to pretend it's somehow possible to buy the Perfect thing or even be on the search for one anymore. it can just be curiosity and something pretty and new. i've been so good at not-purchasing for entertainment my brain's rewired a little re: what "special" even is. like... if i'm regularly buying trash then Birthday means a splurgier, better purchase, a nice purchase. if i'm not really purchasing then... any purchase is special, maybe? there's also the angle of nothing /really/ being special anyway, there's nothing out there that i'm dreaming of, sighing for, longing. i think that's... good on one hand. on the other - it complicates things. without having too many people in my life, and almost nobody local - how do i mark a special day? and this whole paragraph is what i'm sick of - it really doesn't need to be a tug of war, a purchase or lack thereof shouldn't really Mean anything much or take up so much of my brain power.
(oh, lightbulb? is this somehow related to my learning to want things? a few years ago i had to consciously learn to want things and allow myself things and preferences etc. is this guilt somehow a side-effect, or another way of clinging to "it doesn't matter", "i don't matter"? might be a stretch but maybe there's something to it... gonna ponder).
