25/09/24
my long lived quest to stop "shoulding" myself and unpack capitalist messaging about productivity and personal worth and contribution is yielding interesting spiritual fruits. i feel like i'm much closer to really living/grasping what all the texts i've been reading for the last 20 years or so were saying. i'm much more comfortable just being. only doing what is necessary, what arises - without getting caught up in any stories about it, the world, myself. and then vibing. so much peace and easy happiness. it really is just... uncovering what's always been there, what always is there. under the mental garbage we get loaded with.
by no means am i far along on that journey. i'm still at the early "emptiness" stage, instead of the integrated "all-ness" stage. i think that's how it works? i especially would love to access that space/state when interacting with others, in meatspace. but i'm still so startled and awkward after a lifetime of ineffective masking and being in the closet and all. but i'm optimistic it's possible. the more i can access it at "peaceful" times, the easier it will be to maybe one day get there in interactions, and then in "spontaneous" interactions (ie with people other than my close friends/family, and non-scripted for strangers).
silly side effect - after the first few times consciously reaching into being my mind tried to... interpret/make sense of the sensations and came up with some example images/analogies. so now when i try to open into it, the mind is holding on and offering those images that represent what i want instead of getting out of the way! it's kind of cute.