big brain dump 2

20/06/24

this one's more... psychological? things i tell myself, things i'm trying to hold together:

connect to spaciousness and big love
make things a little bit better
have Experiences and Express yourself
any old art will do
stay in the real world, doing things that matter to me
acceptable real life activities: nature, responsibilities, taking care of the people in my life (including self-care, exercise etc), art, learning more about my interests
(how to focus on the activities i value while also having new experiences??)
stop scrolling and watching youtube hours on end
find real community where i can engage and share of myself (but how if there are 0 covid precautions, i don't speak the language, and i'm not on facebook)
acceptable online activities: talking with friends, learning, listening to music, writing the blog
discover what i even have to offer
de-condition myself from treating buying as a source of entertainment or a mood boost
it's still kind of reflexive to think "right, what can i buy" when there's some extra money. as if it's obvious that it's for spending. what is the proper time to think of spending?
trying to remember how good it feels to use things up and let that deter me from shiny distraction purchases that promise all these "potential" experiences (which still require me to Use The Thing, so might as well use the thing i have?)
too much clutter really messes with me, i need a Neat Minimalist-ish Environment
trying to appreciate and build a relationship with the "good" items i already have
trying to downsize so that i can devote the time and attention to those chosen items (except they're all equally "meh", so they're not exactly chosen - yet?)
i want to be surrounded by beautiful things. i only want natural materials, things that don't feel like someone was churning out 60+ of whatever-it-is an hour. i want to have only things i care about
i want to be nicer to myself. the "good enough" stuff is part of an old utilitarian "i don't need anything" message i've been unlearning. i want to pamper myself a little, feel a little luxurious

so, there. a weird mix of spiritual but also materialist, but not consumerist? (or is it?) minimal essentialism but also somehow Experiences. make it make sense

more thoughts
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