30/09/25
i have solved the insecurity question (with the aid of a tarot reading)! at least the recent bout of it that's been following me around for a few weeks. it's simply that i've been socializing a lot more recently. from a few interactions a week with old friends to joining several small communities (discord friend groups, small patreon creators) where i'm consistently Witnessed and get to witness others interacting. suddenly anxieties pop up and spin up stories and worries.
a big part of my (extra) discomfort around this insecurity was the mystery of its source. so it's already a big relief to have located it. i was reaching for all sorts of explanations like - maybe it's just the "out loud" part, that's always been more difficult for me. maybe by kind of forcing myself out of my comfort zone and into actively trying to make new experiences and memories with people i'm also inadvertently forcing myself back into masking and it's manifesting at anxiety, anticipating another terrifying burnout event. etc. etc. it is luckily much more simple, and i'm happy i haven't come to some weird unhealthy conclusion like "socializing is bad for me" lol.
the answer to anxious thoughts is to ground in the material reality of the moment. and there's really nothing more i can do in social situations than a) be present, b) with kindness. like, that's the best that i've got, if someone judges that it's really none of my business.
for the curious - i was trying to understand this spread. i don't think i "got it" but it still yielded a useful reading
the devil tarot spread from Esther at Mindful Tarot