internationally tired

setting: mom's place, with all the vents and ticking clocks, the neighbors knocking furniture around, kids shouting, dogs barking.

listening to: feel it still - portugal. the man

there's boredom and tiredness and disconnect and overwhelm. trying a little tarot journaling to help me out -

king of coins. i'm trying to be most efficient, make things slot into place, not waste any of my limited time here on this trip. this king could be a workaholic in his darker aspects, and it's not something i've ever had to really learn to navigate. my usual work is taking care of the house, and that happens in its own time. time here, tasks here, are oriented around and motivated by care for others. i want to see them, i want them to be able to see me, i want to be fair with my time. and i forget that actually it's not only time that's limited, i have other resources i need to be taking care of. like my own health and energy. and that's always been hard to prioritize when Others Depend On Me.

6 of cups. this trip is different than previous ones. usually coming here would be a kind of holiday for me. i'd stay with mom and she'd do her normal routine and include me in it. she'd do the "taking care of the house", the cooking etc. and i could just be and spend my energy on the meetings, visits, and my own enjoyment. now partner and i are living here alone. and because they're working i still do my regular daily responsibilities /and/ all the socializing on top. i'm not particularly cared for, and there's no energy for self-care.

9 of cups. i have been finding some comfort in prayer, but that's more of an anxiety response around what's ahead. need to connect with the present moment for long enough to check in with myself and be compassionate to myself. to notice all the positives. i think i'm turning off emotionally, just trying to get through it all, and not stopping to dwell on how amazing it is that all these people want to see me. (granted i'd feel better about seeing everyone if i had like... one event per week, not two per day for 10 days). so yes, it's overwhelming, but if it's going to be overwhelming anyway, why not make it overwhelming in a good way?

more thoughts
back home