27/09/25
a whiff of insecurity has been following me this last month. i don't know if it's because i've been trying to get out of my comfort zone, talk with "Strangers" (people on the internet), join voice calls and group events. or if it started earlier? i've had to do a lot of convincing recently (of myself) that i don't need to be like others to be "good". somehow i'm back to the ideas of "valuable" and "contributing" - concepts i find appalling when applied to human beings (or any living being, i guess). i started seeking reassurance and using self-deprecating terms in conversations. i don't want to be doing that, giving others this task of picking me up, at least not without examining the source.
i see activists fighting for causes, people volunteering on the ground and i feel shame that i don't do that, or can't do it, or convinced myself i can't do it, or accepted that i can't do it. but like... not everyone has to be Fire. i care and help in my own ways. i have causes i contribute to. it's just not a thing to be "visible" about, i'm not a social media personality.
i also noticed i'm Very Different to many people i respect and admire. but that doesn't mean there's nothing respectable or admirable about me. some of those people greatly love and respect me, even though they can't understand how i live the way i do, so differently from them. it's ok. there's room for everyone.