09/04/26
i'm beginning to feel the lack of entertainment that would normally come from a Purchase. i know i don't shop-as-a-hobby nearly to the extent you sometimes see on social media, but trying not to do it definitely isn't easy. specifically online shopping (because there aren't really any physical stores i like to go to anyway).
first there's the browsing and opening everything that looks interesting. abundance! options! possibilities! then there's the sorting and eliminating, very engaging for a brain that likes to categorize. then there's the final deliberation - what would be good for what, and what's more important - the price, the function, the aesthetic etc etc. then the satisfaction of having made a "good" decision, finding The Thing. then the tracking of the package and the anticipation, building up. the Promise of the thing. then the excitement of opening it, basking in the novelty, a mini christmas. and then hopefully using it happily for its intended purpose.
but even for a "nothing" purchase, something bought specifically for this reward cycle and not much else, the novelty can last for quite a few days. and if you're ordering from abroad (and depending on how long you browse and deliberate) it can be a month, in total, of low grade little spikes of excitement. since for me it would usually be a tarot deck, i'd spend the wait time maybe looking at videos of others "reviewing" (mostly being excited by) the deck, considering its place in my collection, thinking up specific purposes i might want it to serve... even more entertainment!
i do find myself going through some of the process, occasionally. mostly opening stuff and then closing all the tabs. but this week i've been trying to narrow down the options for a tarot purchase. not really sure what i'm thinking - will i just randomly buy something, again?? i did buy the wool carding brushes but i'm not sure why i didn't wait for my birthday, it didn't even cross my mind. i don't want to just throw the project to the wind. if i remember that that's a rule i wanted to uphold, then i want to try and legitimately follow it. so if a tarot purchase will happen, i'd like it to be on that occasion.
anyway, a wishlist update when it comes to tarot itself:
so i did do, like, tarot readings for each of the decks, trying to figure out which is the One. honestly they're all kind of equally meh? i know when i actively don't like a deck - they don't even enter the running. and of the above i could take or leave any of them. but the same can be said of most of my collection. even the top favorite 3-5 decks. i don't think i'd fuss if i lost them or if they just vanished out of all existence. i always thought of this as a "problem" - what do you mean i don't absolutely Love one or the other? but maybe it's actually a good foot-hold into non-attachment? like, what does it matter which deck i use? if i can help people or understand myself better - that's the more important part. i can use playing cards, i can use matchsticks or pebbles. i like the tarot system and dislike certain types of art, but that's about as far as it goes. i'll take it as a blessing and sign to stop buying under the guise of "finding the one!" i can buy out of curiosity or because the timing feels right or whatever, but i won't keep trying to achieve this strange goal i've assumed is normal, desired, and the un-attainment of which makes me/my collection (which reflects on me) somehow deficient. do without expectation of a specific result.
