26/04/26
what's my year of contentment about? when i started the year, i didn't really have a neat name or through-line for what i wanted to achieve, i couldn't put my finger on it. i knew i wanted to spend less time on distractions (mostly random youtube videos). i thought i could do this by spending more time on Projects - bringing ideas from concept to fruition, instead of vaguely dabbling in things here and there and succeeding only rarely by some grace of circumstance. i also didn't want to buy more tarot decks, or do any emotional spending - treating buying as entertainment or distraction. perhaps even not buy anything unnecessary at all, except for the occasions of birthday and christmas? there was also the adjacent idea of reading my shelves and not buying or bringing in any more books, even from the library.
as the early weeks of the year unfolded i understood what i want is "contentment". not to be swayed by my discomfort or others' enthusiasm. to accept what is, what i have - appreciate it, make the most of it. why bring in new things if i won't be able to cherish them? bringing in new things won't teach me that skill. and so i'm doing my best to slow down and observe how contentment works for me.
overall, things are going well, if not exactly how i'd imagined they would. a lot of progress seems to have come from my return to a spiritual practice back in march. a lot of it has to do with letting go of attachment. it's quite easy not to buy tarot decks because of the tarot project i've set for myself this year - spending extended periods of time with the decks i already own in an attempt to narrow down the selection of comfortable, workable decks. it's also easy because i've been so disappointed with most purchases over the last few years. i already have the habit of putting things on a wishlist, letting them sit, and taking them off the wishlist. it's almost like having the thing, without the disappointment and hassle of the real item. in effect, i get trapped in the "fantasy self" (of a person that uses that particular deck) for much shorter, than if i'd bought it and then ineffectually tried to force myself into the shape of that person over the following months and years.
i haven't really kept firmly to the other ideas? or rather to what i thought were the solutions to those problems. i'm not banging out projects left and right, but i am being creative with the supplies and resources i have at hand, there's no sense of lack or need of new things. this feels like contentment.
i'm not really not-watching youtube, but thanks to the spiritual direction i feel i spend time on valuable "content", a lot of it dharma talks. since all practices require actually remembering to do them and my autistic brain is habit-resistant, it feels like a good "hack" - use the behavior i have a hard time stopping to help me remember and orient towards the things that matter to me.
also thanks to the spiritual lens, i realize it's not about the compulsion to do a thing, or the strict rejection of a behavior, but about releasing the mental anguish around it. it's not helpful to fixate on a hard "no". i mean if i am to fixate, the hard "no" has benefits compared to the unchecked consumerism, but i feel the most important part is to be at peace. as a result i did end up purchasing a few items and reading "outside" my shelves. so far i think i've done good with the purchases. only three physical items, two digital ones, one gift, and two consumables, now long gone. they've all been in line with my goals of enjoyment, helping me make more use of things i already own.
i'm writing this in anticipation of a small trip as a reminder to myself to not despair and fixate on the upcoming possibilities of purchases. if i want a cheap tchotchke from a gas station to commemorate the drive, it's really not the end of the world. i just want to stay in the moment and do what honestly feels right. without rationalizing indulgence and throwing this whole project to the wind. but also without moralizing and condemning harmless memory-making. i think perhaps these four months have taught me enough about what a "problematic" purchase feels like in the mind and body for me to be able to avoid those, and to not get all up in arms about any and all purchases, ripping me out of the moment and into a brain spiral. it's literally fine.
